It’s dead easy, this email marketing malarkey. Honestly, you could probably do this yourself. Who needs consultants anyway? Here are the only nine things you really need to know to run a perfect email marketing campaign - straight into the ground.

Take a shortcut

You could go to the trouble of doing all that market research, targeting your campaign and encouraging your existing customers to sign up, but who wants to sit around for weeks waiting for people to bite of their own accord? Email marketing’s about email and marketing, so let’s get those messages moving in the electronic ether, ASAP. Quickest way to do that? Rent a list of email addresses and just use those. All right, there are eighty thousand addresses there and a few of them are bound to be duds, but most of them will be real people, right?

Send out loads of emails with loads of information

People with email addresses love reading email. They must do, or they wouldn’t have an email address. That’s logic, that is. Anyway, ignore those groans you’re probably hearing in your own office right now, and go mad. Send it off. Send it all off. People need to know everything that’s going on in your company and they need to know it right now.

Keep it minimalist

If there’s one thing everyone knows about marketing, it’s that less is more. Always leave them hungry. Tease, tantalise, make them curious, reel them in. That thirty second video of your product, on a turntable, spinning slowly in a spotlight? Perfect. Slap a line of cryptic text under it, bung a release date at the end and the job’s a good ‘un.

Put everything into a picture

True, video might be a bit awkward for email and who wants to learn the embedding code anyway? Pictures, though, pictures are perfect. Just put everything into one big picture file, tweak the font, get it all looking nice and hope that nobody’s left their image suppression turned on. Apparently 57% of people actually remember to switch it off. That’s more than half. That’ll do.

Just post it whenever

We live in a post-Cloud world. If people don’t have a smartphone, they’re not worth reaching, and if people have a smartphone, they’ll be checking that mail like Pavlov’s dogs whenever they hear the tone. You can work with that. Surprise them! Toss out an email at 10.45, just in time for coffee breaks. 4.30? Nobody does any real work half an hour before home-time. Oh, how about midnight? That’s epic. Mysterious. Surely everyone will follow up your message there and then…

Leave them to find their own way

Click-through is overrated. An expert said it, so it must be true. All right, he’s talking about Facebook ads, but that’s a bit like email. An ad’s an ad. Anyway, you know what that means? Forget about all those social media buttons, don’t bother with the links to your webstore or blog: 99.05% of people will just type in your URL or Google you off their own backs after reading your amazing emails.

Don’t let them leave

Savvy consumers know better than to click those dirty ‘unsubscribe’ links anyway, so why bother putting them in there? Oh right, it’s the law. That could be a problem. Still, there’s no reason to make things easy: nobody said the unsubscribe link had to be easy to find, or that it couldn’t lead to a web page with a fiddly interface and a lot of awkward questions. Make it tricky and people will just give up and let the emails keep coming in.

Don’t worry about the technobabble

You’re in marketing. You don’t need to know how email actually works, or how people prefer to read it, or what different ways of reading email can cope with in terms of pictures, videos, links and layout. That’s for your IT team to worry about. You just need to get it looking good and getting out there.

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Don’t ask about the stats

If the campaign works, it works. Who has time to go through a million and six figures, work out percentages and care about what’s best practice in data analysis? You’ve got services to sell and product to shift. It’s about the future, not the past - if you don’t have your next campaign ready by the time the last one’s started you’re not going fast enough.

Of course, if that still seems like too much work for you, you might as well skip back to point one and take that as read for everything. You could just pay someone else to do it. Someone who cares. Someone who actually knows what they’re doing. Someone like Marc. And you should follow us on Twitter too.